Monday, October 29, 2007 // The Hope of Despair

It was for your sake that Christ was crucified; so will he cast you aside? He knows who oppresses us. He knows that we have no other help but him alone. - St. Ephraim of Syria

I turned every way, but there was no one to help me, I looked for one to sustain me, but could find no one. But then I remembered the mercies of the Lord, his kindness through ages past; for he saves those who take refuge in him, and rescues them from every evil. So I raised my voice from the very earth, from the gates of the nether world, my cry. I called out: O Lord, you are my father, you are my champion and my savior; do not abandon me in time of trouble, in the midst of storms and dangers. - Sirach 51:7-10

Being happy is over-rated.

But everything in our culture tells us to try and be happy.

If only we can reach this happiness, everything will be great.

You can get it with a successful career.

You can find it with that special someone.

You can buy it.

You can even get it from God.

We spend the majority of our lives trying to avoid pain. In fact, we spend billions of dollars a year to prevent it, get rid of it, minimize the effects of it. Whatever we have to do, we will do.

But in the midst of chasing after happiness and at all costs avoiding pain, we rarely realize the truth- the truth that in the end both are illusions, both are unattainable. Both, in fact, lead to the death of our souls.

Happiness is the oblation to the deity of Self. It is offered as the rightful property of this self-erected idol. It is offered as the expiation of pain, that nagging negation of our self-sufficiency.

In fashioning this golden calf of our will, we melt down the image of God within us.

The prodigal son left his Father, left his family, left his obligations. In one near-fatal act of will, he rose above the bonds of the 'created' to assert himself as 'creator', at least of his own destiny. He would be happy on his terms. If not, he would sooner the universe cease to exist at all.

However, the sad reality is that the fantasies of freedom quickly became the nightmarish realities of slavery. When humans think themselves to be gods, those gods quickly become demons. When humans assert their own self-sufficiency, they quickly discover that all it actually is is to be alone.

Despair comes like a dark night upon the soul. When one turns away from God, all that is left is nothingness. The self-sufficiency is seen for the laughable fiction it was. And hopelessness is what takes over- If the self-sufficiency cannot keep you from falling, what hope have you to stand up again?

In the depths of despair is the place where the Holy Spirit can begin to penetrate the hardness of the human heart. When we come to the end of ourselves, we have the opportunity to find that God has been waiting there for us all along.

The prodigal found this in the pig sty.

Jonah found it in the belly of a fish.

Paul found it in blindness.

Peter found it after denying the savior he loved.

When we come to hopelessness, we must realize that if we are pinning our hopes on ourselves, then hopelessness is truly all there is. The universe truly is a giant joke- meaningless, empty, cold. This is Judas, who felt the guilt of his betrayal, suffered the agony of his sin, yet refused to turn back to God for mercy.

We all betray God. We are all unfaithful. And so we should despair, for our sin is great, and our rejection of God cannot help but plunge us into darkness and emptiness and hopelessness.

But God's love is infinite- our sin, though great, is as finite as those who are sinners. We can never get beyond the reach of God's love, of God's grace. When we sin, we should feel despair- despair of our utter helplessness, our lack of ability to sustain our own existence or even the promises we make.

But our despair should turn us to God, for God is waiting at the bottom for us. God became like us, and dropped the very eternal nature of God into the gutter with us all. God has been waiting there for us from all eternity.

Before the worlds were born.

Before the stars began to sing.

Before our sin stained this planet.

God is not willing for us to be lost in our despair. When we fall, we rightly feel shame, and we, like our first parents, want to run and hide from God. However, God's love wants the opposite- God wants us, when we sin, to run to him, so God can heal us. Only in nearness to the Trinity can we find hope.

Like the father of the prodigal, God is waiting expectantly for us to return. One step back, the smallest ember of faith, and we will turn to see the Father has been running towards us all along.

Our happiness can lead us to think that we don't need God. We all know where this ends- in the pig sty full of despair. Pain can reveal to us our weakness, our helplessness.

May we allow the hopelessness of ourselves without God to show us how great our need is.

May the shame and regret we feel for our failings compel us to return to God who can heal us.

May we find hope in despair.

If any of you have committed some serious offense...say with David: "Have mercy on me, O God, in your goodness"...What I have done is grave, but I have recourse to One who is almighty. I would despair of such a deadly wound, if I did not find such a great Physician.